There have been some tragic events over the past few days, leaving mothers without sons and sons and daughters without mothers. It makes me so angry. Makes me sad. It made those last moments I had with my loved one continually flash through my brain like a fucking powerpoint presentation. Throwing me into the dark abyss. This made me realize something. This sparked a fire in me and went on to create this. This is for you. This is for me.
Grief will change you. Losing a loved one forever changes your life.
There is no magic potion that can reverse time. There is no way to change the last words you said. There are or will be a million thoughts that run through your head. It makes you numb. It exhausts you. It makes you feel alone even when surrounded by friends and family. Because this is your loved one. This is your loss. It can be other people's loss as well. But it is your grief, not someone else's. Do not allow people to tell you how to grief. What you should or shouldn't be doing. How you should or shouldn't be feeling. What emotions you need to have.
Grief doesn't end when you snap your fingers. I just cannot say this enough. It is your grief. You own it. Grief is simply love with no where to go. So as I write this, it has been 802 days since my world changed. (I did just do some googling on that part, as I was interested.) I have been living with and in my grief for 802 days. There have been some days where I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't think about facing the world. There were some days where I just wanted to feel the sun on my face. I just wanted to be left alone. But being alone with your thoughts can be a dangerous thing. Anger, rage, hatred, denial, longing, isolation, depression, guilt, panic. All these emotions just festering in my body. Maybe if I just sleep, I will wake up and this nightmare will be over. Unfortunately it won't. If you feel or have thoughts of self harm, please reach out to your family or friends. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Please reach for help when you need it.
In those 802 days, I have had several people tell me that in my grief, that I should just smile. Or I lost my mom/dad too. Why aren't you over it? Just make yourself happy. It will be alright. If you think happy thoughts, you will be happy.
NO. It won't be alright. I cannot make how I feel change because you want me too. These are my feelings, this is my grief and this is how I am making it through living without that person that I loved so deeply and whole heartedly. This is why these tragedies sparked this fire in me. This fire of how I want you to understand what grief is, how grief works, and how everyone handles grief in their own way and in their own time.
One of my best friends lost their mother unexpectedly when we were much younger than we are today. I showed up to the services but I didn't know what to do or what to say. I could have been a more empathic friend. But I wasn't. So I just pulled back and let things be. That was not even close to the right move on my part. When I went through a similar tragedy, I finally understood. I literally felt like the biggest piece of shit. When I finally had the strength, I talked to my friend and apologized. I apologized because I felt so horrible that I didn't know what to do, what to say or how to act. I apologized for not being there for them. I apologized for being a shitty friend. I will continue to apologize for that. If you don't know what to say. Just be there. Just listen. Just offer a helping hand. We can all try to be more empathetic.
So I will leave you with this. If you are grieving, don't give yourself a time limit. Don't set expectations of "how things should be". If all you can do today is breathe. That is enough. And you are enough.
Know that words cannot make everything better, but let that person be in their grief. Don't push, don't shove, don't even roll your fucking eyes. Be there. Listen. Hear their pain. Feel their pain.
PS. One last thing. I am not a reader. I don't read books. But I read this book. This is something everyone should read. It looks at grief and squashes the cultural norm of what people think grief should be. You can check it out by clicking below. PS it way cheaper than B&N.
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