Can you feel it coming in the air tonight? Hold on. Wait, what? All day I’ve been off. Not like, oh I’m not wearing my lucky undies, but more so, like, I’m missing a piece of myself. Let’s be honest, most days are like this. But some, more so than others. Today was one of those more so days. If I could rewind 3 years, I know exactly how to handle this feeling. I would know exactly what to ask, who to ask and I know I would feel infinitely better afterwards.
Just one call. A call to just let myself go. Blabbering on and on about how shitty this and that was, what’s imbeciles I work with and how I feel like I’m the only one that actually does anything. I don’t even have to rewind time, I already know the answer.
In all reality, I just want to hear it from the person who instilled it in me. The person that validated my feelings. "If you want things in life, you need to work hard for them. No one is going to be standing outside just handing them out to everyone. You need to earn it."
This is nothing new. Well at least to me. While her time here with me was not nearly long enough, I have to expect that things will never be the same. This seems like an accomplishable task. But it is in fact the hardest thing I have and am going through. Learning to live broken, bruised and missing pieces of yourself will never be easy. I feel like my crutch that I’ve used my whole life to get around was ripped out from under me. I’m in limbo. A limbo where everything is altered. Nothing is as it should be and worst of all, my crutch is gone. How will I ever walk by myself again?
One foot in front of the other. It doesn’t even matter how big the steps are. We are all trying to move forward. Some are running a damn marathon and I’m just the tortoise trying to make it to the end of the block, which will require multiple resting periods.
xo